I think we can all agree that Pokémon is like the best thing ever. You leave home at the tender age of 10, fight off hoards of ill-tempered henchmen and capture what is, in essence, a God.
It’s the way life should be…
So basically, the life of a Pokémon trainer is one worth envying. But what about their little minions? How do their lives compare?
For starters, they all feel obliged to attack anyone who walks near them in tall grass and then they get captured and used as a fighting slave. Even if you’re a cool Pokémon like a charizard or something, you still have that thought in the back of your mind… that you might, one day, be turned into a gladiator.
But some Pokémon have depressing lives without all of that…
“Banette generates energy for laying strong curses by sticking pins into its own body. This Pokémon was originally a pitiful plush doll that was thrown away. It seeks the child that disowned it.”
That’s what the Pokédex says and, you know, they know a lot about Pokémon.
It just wanted to be loved by its owner and now it’s so fuelled by revenge that it searches in vain for the rest of its life, idly sticking pins in its body and subjecting itself to pain just to lay a curse.
“If it is attacked, Cascoon remains motionless however badly it may be hurt. It does so because if it were to move, its body would be weak upon evolution. This Pokémon will also not forget the pain it endured.”
Christ?! Imagine that! Being persistently beaten up by some dweeby bug catchers who happen to bump into you and shouting “A wild Cascoon appeared…. Metapod, use harden!” And knowing that if you fought back, you’ll be weak when you do eventually evolve (which isn’t likely since, if you can’t move, how are you going to get experience points?!).
The real irony here is that Cascoon evolves into a rubbish moth. No one likes moths.
Two Pokédex entries here…
“It lost its mother after its birth. It wears its mother’s skull, never revealing its true face.”
“CUBONE pines for the mother it will never see again. Seeing a likeness of its mother in the full moon, it cries. The stains on the skull the POKéMON wears are made by the tears it sheds.”
What more can we say?! It was orphaned at birth and wears the skull of its mother as some kind of comfort and it won’t stop crying!
“It happened one morning – a boy with extrasensory powers awoke in bed transformed into KADABRA.”
This boy had a bright future ahead of him. Think of all the things he could have done with his powers. He probably had a loving family that screamed when they saw he had transformed into a monster, shunning him to the wilderness.
When he did eventually have a child (somehow) in an Abra, he couldn’t talk to it without it teleporting away for no reason.
“Horribly weak” “very unreliable” “An underpowered, pathetic POKéMON” “MAGIKARP is a pathetic excuse for a POKéMON that is only capable of flopping and splashing” “It is virtually worthless”.
That’s seriously just a few of the Pokédex entries. What a terrible life! Everyone seeing you as some sort of laughing stock for being so utterly pathetic. And when it does eventually evolve into the overpowered Gyarados, everything’s scared of it!
“If two of these meet, they cannot get too close because their noses repel each other.”
God knows how they exist since they can’t, you know… have sex and all that. It’s a truly sad tale. A being that will never know the company of its own kind.
Also they have to face North at all times…
“A host-parasite pair in which the parasite mushroom has taken over the host bug. Prefers damp places.”
The creature has no free will, it is completely controlled by the mushroom on its back which, in turn, is controlled by the trainer who caught its sorry arse. It’s like being a slave’s slave. Rubbish.
“Always tormented by headaches. It uses psychic powers, but it is not known if it intends to do so.”
It just wants a Nurofen and a sit down. Stop making it fight! This cute little duck lives a life of never-ending pain and has very powerful psychic powers but, when it uses them, it has no recollection of doing so. That’s why it always looks confused.
You’d have thought the only silver lining of its enduring migraine would be that it cold boast about its powers but apparently not… it doesn’t know it has any!
“It never sleeps. It has to keep moving because if it stopped, its magma body would cool and harden.”
It can’t sleep and it can’t stay still otherwise it dies. It’s some weird blob of magma that somehow has consciousness and you’d have thought that would be enough to make you look at it and go “God… poor thing. It’s so ugly and pointless“, but apparently Slugma had too much going for it so it needed to be knocked down a peg or two…
“Xatu stands rooted and still in one spot all day long. People believe that this Pokémon does so out of fear of the terrible things it has foreseen in the future.”
If you saw that the world was going to end, you wouldn’t be all jovial about it. No, you’d be terrified. And maybe it hasn’t seen that the world’s ending, maybe it’s seen that it gets captured and neglected in the abyss of Bill’s PC.
Its knowledge is a curse, not a gift.
“Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry.”
This is tied with Cubone’s story for us. But at least with Cubone’s it can await death’s sweet embrace where it can meet its mother. Yamask is tormented with immortality.
There’s some poetic justice around Yamask’s life. Perhaps it was once a trainer who used Pokémon for its own gain and then, upon its death, was captured by a younger and better trainer who did the same.
If you need a little sit down we don’t blame you.
Go home and hug your Pokémon.