You know when you think of an insult or comeback like two days after you need it? Isn’t that the worst? Or not being able to come up with anything eloquently offensive when you need it, that also sucks.
So here are 20 worryingly well thought out and heartfelt insults, for when you need them. You’re welcome.
1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.
2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.
4. May your article load that extra little bit as you’re about to click a link so you click an ad instead.
5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.
6. May you forever feel your cellphone vibrating in the pocket it’s not even in.
7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.
8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.
9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.
10. May your five year old neighbour have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.