A few days ago, Will Lloyd wrote an article for The Tab, explaining why he would never ‘turn your cherry out, sorry’… who even says that?
Writing “it’s clear that I over prepared, that I aced the exam a little too well”, Will explains how the very first time he heroically went down on a girl, he did it so expertly that she ejaculated all over his face, which left him with ‘dry and itchy’ eyes.
Crack out your violins. and somebody give this boy a Pride of Britain award. He knows what it is to suffer.
Will concluded from his unpleasant experience that he was just too good at cunnilingus, and it would be better for him if he never did it again. And he’s pretty sure that he’s not the only man who hates going down on women:
“Find me an average bloke who enjoys going down on women as much as he claims to… and I’ll find you that missing Malaysian airliner.”
While Will’s refusal to ‘turn your cherry out’ doesn’t really bother us – we’re pretty sure we don’t want him anywhere near our private areas – it has considerably annoyed the internet.
But now, responding to the online controversy, Will’s ex-girlfriend Rhianna has written a piece for The Huffington Post, explaining that his article may not be strictly accurate.
While Will claims that he never went down on his first-girlfriend (Rhianna), explaining ‘I’m not sure why I didn’t but there you go’ (thanks for that insight Will), Rhianna claims that her then-boyfriend Will did go down on her, plenty of times, but ‘to be honest, it just didn’t feel that good’.
“The real reason you don’t want to go down anymore isn’t because you made a girl come and it was unpleasant. It’s because you are scared of the awkward silence of the girl who isn’t enjoying it.”
This is very awkward. But luckily for Will, Rhianna’s article offers some softcore pornographic tips on how to successfully give a girl head:
“It’s gotta go pitch black in her thoughts, it’s gotta be warm and hard and complemented with your running fingers soft against her thigh, her lips. She needs to forget that you are even down there, because she is in her own world and it’s great.
…Otherwise it will, to be honest, feel like the tongue of a wet dog lapping it up whilst we sigh, look up at the ceiling and think about the next episode of Scandal.”
There you go Will. Now why not try again?