How To Tell If Your Friend Is A Witch


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So you’ll never guess what. I went to the pub with my mates and noticed Charlie wasn’t there and, when I thought about it, I hadn’t heard from him for a couple of weeks. I asked my friends what was going – turns out he’s a witch. I never even knew.

With that in mind, and with everyone talking about how scary the upcoming movie ‘The Witch’ is going to be, I decided to put together a handy list so that nobody makes the same mistake I did. It turns out the folk on the internet know of loads of different ways to spot a witch. It seems obvious now. I’m kicking myself.

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Does your friend have any marks or blemishes that they’re really self-conscious about? Well it’s your duty to bring them to everyone’s attention. They’re a witch.

Moles, pimples, birthmarks and extra nipples are all the brands given when making a pact with the devil. If you suspect anything, strip your friend naked and check for marks (scars will also suffice). If they are clean, breeze over it and get back to what you were doing. Otherwise, kill on sight.

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Does your friend take longer to fall back to the ground after a jump? They’re probably a witch.

What you need to do is fetch your giant scales and any number of bibles. Get the accused to sit on one end of the scales and place as many bibles as you can find on the other end. If your friend is lighter, they are a witch. Kill on sight.

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Don’t have your scales handy? Google the Lord’s Prayer on your phone (because you might not know it off by heart) and then get your witchy friend to recite it perfectly without any help.

If they make any kind of mistake, they are a witch. Even if you know them to have a stutter or crippling anxiety or something. Witch. Kill on sight.

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As you might suspect, witches need to be constantly doing magic (the unfriendly kind). With this in mind, it stands to reason that they’d have to say things.

Watch your friends vigilantly and if you hear them talk to themselves, you can safely assume that their reciting some sort of evil incantation. Even if they give a perfectly good explanation, they’re lying. Kill on sight.

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Witches are never not in the presence of their imps. Naturally, imps don’t wonder around in their imp form – that would be stupid. So they disguise themselves as animals.

Does your friend have pets? This is the kind of thing you’re going to have to look out for. If you notice your friend with a cat or something, whatever the situation, it’s your responsibility to pronounce them a witch. Even if there’s just a beetle or a mouse close by – it’s too much of a coincidence. Kill on sight.

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This one’s handy because you don’t really need any evidence of sorts. If you hear any rumours about you friend regarding them doing sneaky, devilish things in the woods, you’re expected to take it as gospel and assume them as a witch.

“Meddling with animals” is also a punishable offence. If you hear to friends joking and it moves onto something like “Yeah well you shag animals lol”, the joke is over. The accused clearly DOES shag animals. Just like a witch. Kill on sight.

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Ask the ‘witch’ for a sample of their urine kindly. Then, once you’ve cleared the first hurdle, mix it with some delicious rye and ash.

Presumably your friend would be sweating by now because they know the procedure and what’s going to happen next. Feed it to a dog. If your friend is a witch, the beast will go into a trance and say their name. It will also make the owner of said urine cry out in pain. Kill on sight.

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You may have noticed that, in the olden days, people would often be thrown into lakes or burned or whatever and, if they didn’t die (which they pretty much always did), they were a witch.

Not dying, huh? Does that sound like something a lot of your friends do? If you’ve noticed that your friend is, like, always alive, there’s obviously something going on – they’re a witch. Kill on sight… but you can’t. We lose.

So there you have it, just in time for that darn witch epidemic.

People (a girl in our office who was lucky enough to go and see the film early) have been saying The Witch is among the scariest films ever made. We’ll be posting our review later this week, but in the meantime here’s the trailer. It hits cinemas on the 11th March.